It's a sad world

My inspiration for starting these blogs was a young guy on YouTube called Derek (r0sewhip137) who is gay and had been vlogging about his experiences with coming to terms with who he is and his relationship with his friends and family.

His videos were inspirational and must be a great help to others of a similar age. I certainly wish I had a resource like that when I was that age. Around a week ago he suddenly removed all his videos and closed his YouTube and Twitter accounts with no explanation.

I don't know if this is true but it seems that he had acquired a serious stalker that was offended by the fact Derek hadn't responded to his messages. The stalker had paid a private investigator to find his real address. Not quite sure what he was going to do but Derek must have felt pretty concerned to remove all his good work from the internet.

This stalkers stupid actions have denied us all an inspiration and I hope they find him soon so Derek can get his life back and resume his vlogging.

Good luck Derek. Come back soon.

Update:-

It seems everything is now Ok with Derek but he's struggling with getting his parents to understand and accept who he is. He is supposed to be coming back in the summer but it seems unlikely now its been so long.

You can follow him on Daily Booth http://dailybooth.com/Rosewhip137

Please read For Parents - please be understanding for a letter from Derek to his parents.

Update again 04/2011:
The good news is that Derek is back on Blog TV and has done a couple of shows. They are a bit random at the moment so if you want to know when they are then sign up for Blog TV and subscribe to rosewhip137. http://www.blogtv.com/people/rosewhip137

It's good to see him back.

Idealised Images

I used to have a real crush on a guy where I used to work, he was an apprentice like me at the time. I never had enough courage to say anything and I wasn't 'out' at the time. When I think back to him I still have this perfect image in my mind.

I was browsing around friends reunited the other day and to my surprise I saw his name listed and he had included a photo. He's now living in Australia with his girlfriend. When I looked at the photo it was a bit of a shock. I know it was quite a few years ago but even so...

The years hadn't been kind to him, or at least he looked a lot different from the image I had in my head. Do we conveniently remove all the flaws of old flames over the years? If he saw me now would he be thinking the same thing. I guess we look at ourselves in the mirror every day and we don't see the aging process.

I know if I met him now I wouldn't really give him a second look but if we had been together for the past 20 years would I feel differently. I've been with my partner for 19 years and looks just don't really come into it any more. There's so much more when you have known someone for that long.

It does make me wonder though what happens when you split up from someone after that many years. My tastes in terms of looks haven't really changed over the years but the chances of actually finding someone that I find attractive and that would find me attractive have got to be slim. Does that mean relationships between older people don't begin with lust?

Nature vs Nurture

I've recently been watching a youg YouTuber (r0sewhip137) who over the past year has been vlogging about his experiences of coming out and his relationship with his parents. When I was in my teens and realised I was gay the biggest question in my life was why. I used to cry myself to sleep at night on occasions asking 'Why me?'. A resource like the internet and people like him would have been a real help to me at the time as it's one of the lonliest times in my life. I know many teens go through the same thing.

Many straight people sill talk about our 'lifestyle choice'. That really annoys me as I never made that choice. I'm sure any teen faced with the choice of gay or straight would probably choose straight. It's not like we wake up one morning and think 'life's too simple, I think I'll be gay from now on'. It really isn't easy being gay. Having said that there are quite a few plus points as well. Problem is you only get to appreciate them as you get older - at least I did anyway.

I ask myself the question if there was an envelope in front of me that if opened would tell me why I was gay, would I open it?

There are really a couple of options as to we are gay, ignoring religion for the moment. Were we born like it or was there something about our up bringing or our experiences in life that made us gay. I guess given the ampount of research that's been done we will probebly never know for sure but there are a few indicators.

I've always favoured the genetic route. It can't really be inherited though as you would have thought natural selection would have wiped it out by now, given a gay person has got to be less likely to father a child. So we are then talking about some random mutation or combination of genes. All this got turned on it's head though when I watched a program about identical twins where one was gay and the other not. If this is really the case than surely it rules out all the genetic causes.

If you rule that out then that only leaves the up bringing. It's really hard to know what about my up bringing would have made me gay though. I have two sisters, one of my sisters is also gay and the other not. What about our up bringing could have made two of us gay and one not?
Looking back I can see things in my life at an early age that were signs of me being gay before I realy knew what it was. I used to practice kissing with one of my male friends! At that point as far as I was concerned it was practice for the girls but.... apparantly not. Was it that that made me gay or was I gay already and that led me to do these things. Given that some of the friends I'm talking about are now happily married I tend to think I was already gay. If so we are talking about the age of 9 or 10 so what could have happened in my life up to that point to trigger it.

Would I like to know why? When I was younger I certainly would have liked to know. Now I think how would it help? If it's genetic then it perhaps eases the burden of wondering if I did something wrong in my life and was it my fault. If it's my up bringing then would that then result in blame and resentment towards whoever or whatever was the cause.

There is of course the religious aspect which I have avoided up to now. 'Jesus and I have never been tight' to quote a recent twitter I saw go through from TheOtherTyler, and I guess that's where I stand. I think I went to sunday school twice when I was really young but that was about it. All I know is that in my real time of need when I realised I was gay, the church wasn't a place you could turn to. As far as the church was concrned it was wrong and you shouldn't be like that - like it's some choice you can make.

I didn't choose to be gay so if I believed in god then I guess I would have to believe god made me like it. If god made me like it then how can it be wrong. I suppose the religious ones amonst you would say it's a test, something for me to resist and prove my worth. Funny how whenever anything good happens they thank god, when anything bad happens it's someone elses fault. (another blog there I think)

So coming back to my original question of would I open the envelope, I have to say I probably wouldn't now as I can't see it would help my life in any way. I think I would hold on to it though until I'm old and my life is done and then take a peek, that way there's no time left for resentment or judging.

I do wonder if it would be good or bad if we finally find a definitive answer. Finding an answer brings us closer to finding a 'cure' and that's something that would be a disaster for many people.

If you are happy with yourself and happy with your life then who cares why you are the way you are.