For parents - please be understanding

I had to put this on here to preserve it. This is an open letter Derek (Rosewhip137) posted on DailyBooth to his parents. If you are a parent then please read and take note of the effect you can have on your children by not accepting them for who they are. Please try to be understanding and accepting.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Enclosed is a picture from my high school prom. You may notice the fact that I am with another boy. You don't know that I brought a boy to my prom because I had to lie to you about it. In fact, you don't even know that I have been dating this particular boy for almost an entire year. You didn't know this because I also had to lie about it to you, because of your intolerance I had to keep the happiest thing in my life a secret from those who are supposed to be most important to me in my life.

Actually, I've missed out on alot of things in my life that I can't ever get back because of your homophobia. I also brought this same boy to my homecoming earlier this year, it was a big step for me in being comfortable enough with sexuality to show it publicly, a step that alot of people would have been proud of and excited for. Not in this case. I had to lie about this as well, you never knew it ever happened.

I'll never have the pictures of me and him together in front of my fireplace like everyone has, I'll never have a picture of me and him dressed up in front of the beautiful flowers outside the house, those are things I'll never be able to have now because I couldn't share the most important person in my life with you.

I've only had a few boyfriends in my life, and you never got to meet a single one, because I really didn't want to have to deal with your disgusted expressions when I introduce them to you.

Its even hard for me to just have an evening alone with my boyfriend ever, because I have to deal with you grounding me for any reason you can find just so that I won't be able to go out.Its not even the worst knowing what I've missed in my life, its knowing what I'm going to miss in the future.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but I know I'm going to find true love one day. And who knows I might even get married...but I know I won't get to see either of you in the seats during the ceremony, because I know neither of you would give your blessings. And what if I decide to have a child, adoption or otherwise, would that child even be a part of your lives? Wold you even deprive them of a set of grandparents just to continue to fuel your hate?

Its so sad to me to think that you could care less about the work I do, you have no idea of the people I've helped, the countless conversations at night where I try my hardest to help people get through the difficult struggle of self-acceptance. I've believe I've done alot of good for the world and yet I can't share that with you either.

Not to mention the years of struggle I had personally. I couldn't even go to either of you for help when I was confused and scared and lost. And when I finally got the courage to tell you about my struggle, all I got in return was that disgusted face that I hate so much.

So I hope it is worth it to you, I hope you can go through life being okay with what you have and continue to deny from me. I hope you'll be ok with me slowly losing contact with you as the years go by until an annual phone call becomes a rarity. I hope you'll be okay with not getting a wedding invitation in the mail. I hope you'll be okay with losing me, and I really hope you can be okay with how much you've hurt me.

That's all,
Derek

http://dailybooth.com/Rosewhip137/6286039

I Believe....

I've never been a religious person. Religion has been responsible for some of the most hideous atrocities in our history and continues to be the cause of a great deal of the conflicts in the world today. I really don't understand how people can reconcile the two.

Funnily enough though I like churches, I like the architecture and the peace and tranquility inside. I admire the commitment that must have gone into designing and building churches. You just don't get that now.

The thing that's really always put me off (apart from being gay) is the insistence that God is an all mighty being that created us and is continually watching over us. I've never subscribed to this. Religion and science used to go hand in hand, with religion being used to explain the things that science could not. Unfortunately the list of thing that science can't explain is shrinking by the day so what's left for religion?

The need for religion today is not in explaining the world around us, but in peoples mental well being. If it's going to be relevant today I think it just needs a bit of a refresh and readjustment to be more in line with the modern era.

If you think of the various religious texts as good moral guide books, rather than fact, they become much more relevant. If you think of God as the collective consciousness of mankind then it makes much more sense. We should all live our lives by what we consider to be good moral standards of the day, but unfortunately those standards are changing. I think the churches reluctance to accept change is damaging to it's reputation and is why fewer and fewer young people are have anything to do with it.

Without good moral guides of course standards will change. Children get their morals and standards from their parents, idols and leaders, but with no strong guide each successive generation is deteriorating. The world needs something like religion to help guide it back on track but it's failing miserably at the moment.

The world is now full of corrupt, money grabbing, selfish, arrogant people. Our politicians who should be the representatives of us all have let us down. The police seem to be inept and unable to do anything about the rising crime. There are huge numbers of parents who, having brought children into the world feel they have no responsibility for their up bringing. Where's it going to end?

In some respects I'm glad I'm not starting out in life now as I hate to think what the worlds going to be like to live in 40 years from now.

Beacon at 12 o'clock

Aghhhh. Another belisha beacon on my forehead this morning. Anyone know any miracle cures for spots?

I've had acne since early teens and when you're that age everyone tells you it's your hormones and you'll grow out of it. I remember my next door neighbour's son who was in his mid twenties at the time still had acne and I thoight that if I had spots for that long I would kill myself. Of course I didn't and you just get used to them, but that doesn't stop them from being extremely annoying on occasions.

You find a way of managing them, in my case it's Oxy 10 and a moisturiser and that keeps them down to the point where on the whole they don't affect my life too much, and a lot of the time they are not really noticable. Another handy thing is a concealer just to dull done those bright red beacons that appear in the middle of your forehead the day of an important meeting!

Anyway, here I am in my early forties still getting spots so I guess I'm not going to grow out of them!

The only real way in which it's starting to affect my life is insecurity I suppose. I started getting spots on my back probably late teens and stopped swimming at that point. I would love to go swimming again just to keep up the fitness levels but just feel too embarassed. I shouldn't have spots at my age! I did look at Roaccutane which was suggested at a health check once. Anyone any experience of it? From what I've read it seems to swap spots for suicidal depression - ummm, spots I think.

Love to hear if anyone found a cure after having acne for a long time.

Changing Attitudes

I wonder what it's like growing up gay today?

When I think it's only since 1967 that it's been legal to be gay (partially at least) in the UK. That means my parents grew up with it being illegal and that must have shaped their attitudes. Things were still very unequal with the age of consent set at 21. It's not until 2001 that the age of consent was finally made equal between gay and straight partners and it was only in 2005 when gay couples could have any sort of legal standing with a Civil Partnership.

I never quite understood the legal inequality between gay and straight partnerships. I'm sure the people that made that legislation must have been straight or they would have understood that making the age of consent higher doesn't discourage people from being gay. It may have discouraged people from admitting they were gay but the idea that you can encourage/discourage homosexuality by legislation is plain stupid.

Teens today are the first generation to grow up with near equality so my generation is the last to be brought up with a legal view that's it's wrong. This has got to have a positive effect on attitudes. I would be nieve if I thought there would be a time when there would be no prejedice as all minorities suffer that and probably always will to some degree.

There are plenty of celebreties around now who are openly gay and it wasn't that long ago it would have been the end of their career. I think people like Stephen Fry, Matt Lucas, Will Young have done more to improve attitudes towards gay people than anyone - just by being themselves. There are those of course you wish would go back in the closet like Dale Winton (who seems to pretend he's gay) and George Michael who's public exploits just reinforce stereotypes.

All we can do is get to the point where prejudice is generally seen as wrong rather than homosexuality itself. Another 10 years should do it.

It's a sad world

My inspiration for starting these blogs was a young guy on YouTube called Derek (r0sewhip137) who is gay and had been vlogging about his experiences with coming to terms with who he is and his relationship with his friends and family.

His videos were inspirational and must be a great help to others of a similar age. I certainly wish I had a resource like that when I was that age. Around a week ago he suddenly removed all his videos and closed his YouTube and Twitter accounts with no explanation.

I don't know if this is true but it seems that he had acquired a serious stalker that was offended by the fact Derek hadn't responded to his messages. The stalker had paid a private investigator to find his real address. Not quite sure what he was going to do but Derek must have felt pretty concerned to remove all his good work from the internet.

This stalkers stupid actions have denied us all an inspiration and I hope they find him soon so Derek can get his life back and resume his vlogging.

Good luck Derek. Come back soon.

Update:-

It seems everything is now Ok with Derek but he's struggling with getting his parents to understand and accept who he is. He is supposed to be coming back in the summer but it seems unlikely now its been so long.

You can follow him on Daily Booth http://dailybooth.com/Rosewhip137

Please read For Parents - please be understanding for a letter from Derek to his parents.

Update again 04/2011:
The good news is that Derek is back on Blog TV and has done a couple of shows. They are a bit random at the moment so if you want to know when they are then sign up for Blog TV and subscribe to rosewhip137. http://www.blogtv.com/people/rosewhip137

It's good to see him back.

Idealised Images

I used to have a real crush on a guy where I used to work, he was an apprentice like me at the time. I never had enough courage to say anything and I wasn't 'out' at the time. When I think back to him I still have this perfect image in my mind.

I was browsing around friends reunited the other day and to my surprise I saw his name listed and he had included a photo. He's now living in Australia with his girlfriend. When I looked at the photo it was a bit of a shock. I know it was quite a few years ago but even so...

The years hadn't been kind to him, or at least he looked a lot different from the image I had in my head. Do we conveniently remove all the flaws of old flames over the years? If he saw me now would he be thinking the same thing. I guess we look at ourselves in the mirror every day and we don't see the aging process.

I know if I met him now I wouldn't really give him a second look but if we had been together for the past 20 years would I feel differently. I've been with my partner for 19 years and looks just don't really come into it any more. There's so much more when you have known someone for that long.

It does make me wonder though what happens when you split up from someone after that many years. My tastes in terms of looks haven't really changed over the years but the chances of actually finding someone that I find attractive and that would find me attractive have got to be slim. Does that mean relationships between older people don't begin with lust?

Nature vs Nurture

I've recently been watching a youg YouTuber (r0sewhip137) who over the past year has been vlogging about his experiences of coming out and his relationship with his parents. When I was in my teens and realised I was gay the biggest question in my life was why. I used to cry myself to sleep at night on occasions asking 'Why me?'. A resource like the internet and people like him would have been a real help to me at the time as it's one of the lonliest times in my life. I know many teens go through the same thing.

Many straight people sill talk about our 'lifestyle choice'. That really annoys me as I never made that choice. I'm sure any teen faced with the choice of gay or straight would probably choose straight. It's not like we wake up one morning and think 'life's too simple, I think I'll be gay from now on'. It really isn't easy being gay. Having said that there are quite a few plus points as well. Problem is you only get to appreciate them as you get older - at least I did anyway.

I ask myself the question if there was an envelope in front of me that if opened would tell me why I was gay, would I open it?

There are really a couple of options as to we are gay, ignoring religion for the moment. Were we born like it or was there something about our up bringing or our experiences in life that made us gay. I guess given the ampount of research that's been done we will probebly never know for sure but there are a few indicators.

I've always favoured the genetic route. It can't really be inherited though as you would have thought natural selection would have wiped it out by now, given a gay person has got to be less likely to father a child. So we are then talking about some random mutation or combination of genes. All this got turned on it's head though when I watched a program about identical twins where one was gay and the other not. If this is really the case than surely it rules out all the genetic causes.

If you rule that out then that only leaves the up bringing. It's really hard to know what about my up bringing would have made me gay though. I have two sisters, one of my sisters is also gay and the other not. What about our up bringing could have made two of us gay and one not?
Looking back I can see things in my life at an early age that were signs of me being gay before I realy knew what it was. I used to practice kissing with one of my male friends! At that point as far as I was concerned it was practice for the girls but.... apparantly not. Was it that that made me gay or was I gay already and that led me to do these things. Given that some of the friends I'm talking about are now happily married I tend to think I was already gay. If so we are talking about the age of 9 or 10 so what could have happened in my life up to that point to trigger it.

Would I like to know why? When I was younger I certainly would have liked to know. Now I think how would it help? If it's genetic then it perhaps eases the burden of wondering if I did something wrong in my life and was it my fault. If it's my up bringing then would that then result in blame and resentment towards whoever or whatever was the cause.

There is of course the religious aspect which I have avoided up to now. 'Jesus and I have never been tight' to quote a recent twitter I saw go through from TheOtherTyler, and I guess that's where I stand. I think I went to sunday school twice when I was really young but that was about it. All I know is that in my real time of need when I realised I was gay, the church wasn't a place you could turn to. As far as the church was concrned it was wrong and you shouldn't be like that - like it's some choice you can make.

I didn't choose to be gay so if I believed in god then I guess I would have to believe god made me like it. If god made me like it then how can it be wrong. I suppose the religious ones amonst you would say it's a test, something for me to resist and prove my worth. Funny how whenever anything good happens they thank god, when anything bad happens it's someone elses fault. (another blog there I think)

So coming back to my original question of would I open the envelope, I have to say I probably wouldn't now as I can't see it would help my life in any way. I think I would hold on to it though until I'm old and my life is done and then take a peek, that way there's no time left for resentment or judging.

I do wonder if it would be good or bad if we finally find a definitive answer. Finding an answer brings us closer to finding a 'cure' and that's something that would be a disaster for many people.

If you are happy with yourself and happy with your life then who cares why you are the way you are.